highschool is some true fuckery. fuck people thinking they know me too well. can’t decide what blog to put this shit on.
i pride myself on my intuition, my intelligence, and how well i know myself. at any given point in time i generally feel like i know what’s going on with other people i’m close to (though i don’t usually vocalize it) and i usually have a sense of what people feel about me. in this way i feel really trapped in my relationships with people. it’s frustrating that the only way for me to manipulate people’s perceptions of myself in indirectly and somehow i feel like that’s more fucked up. i’m a lot more okay with myself than people seem to perceive and though in some aspects of my life i can come off as emotionally immature, some of that is really calculated. i don’t know how i feel about that.
a lot of things are frustrating me right now and i could elaborate but i don’t think i will. i think the reason i tell most people about important things in my life is because i only tend to share tangible events and those aren’t ultimately that important. the things i care about and the things i act like i care about sometimes overlap.
i think a lot of this is coming from a place where i realized i’m not as sexual as i convinced myself i was. it was a defense mechanism and it was something else to get attached to. i’m a lot more okay with people fucking each other nowadays than i used to be and that makes it hard for me to sympathize with certain characteristics of people. i don’t really know why i’m okay with it. i think it comes from a place of understanding its role in the human condition and that i actually don’t think it’s bad thing. i’ve learned most of what i know about myself from being hurt and i fucking love positive growth.
positive growth, freedom, animals, the ocean, cinematography, appreciation, emotions, children. —-i’ve been hardcore daydreaming about my future.
