i think the reason i’m scared to die is because once i’m gone everything keeps going. my perception of reality isn’t the only one that exists and that makes me insignificant in a terrifying way. because everything i do is based on what i feel is important and it’s arbitrary and biological and societal. i think the idea that people can live their lives totally separate from me really scares me. i think that’s why i look for closeness and why relationships are the actual most important thing in my personal life. i think it’s just a way to feel significant in a construction of reality apart from my own. believing in objective truth is scares the shit out of me.
it’s so hard to imagine myself post-death because i have a surprising hard time both understand infinite time and zero perception. if i believed in subjective reality, i would believe that everything went away after my death and therefore i wouldn’t be so caught up in thinking of a world i can’t perceive. i’m wasting so much time. i’m a lot more scared of the world than i’d like to admit. how are animals any different than stars? what the fuck is being self aware? why am i so confused about everything? what are the fucking odds that cells would exist!? FUCK MY OZONE
14
January
